What can you say about Dolly Parton?
I think Brooke White summed it up: Dolly Parton is this “tiny woman” who is just… … … “huge.”
And she is. Every once in a while I had to pause it just to make sure she wasn’t ‘resting’ on the piano. (she must have the world’s strongest back)
In today’s reviews, I have taken the creative liberty of offering some book deals to the contestants. We’ll see if I am contacted about any of them.
And now for the reviews:
Future Book Deal (FBD): “How to Go from Top Tier to Average in only 3 weeks!” by Brooke White
I was really hoping for Brooke tonight. She has had a few rough weeks in a row. And I was pretty excited to see mr exciting ‘sit on my drum’ guy who did Cherry Tree with Katherine McPhee a couple of years ago…
Unfortunately it was just so so. Average. Ho-hum. Poor Jolene just got super boring.
Scripture chase anyone?
… And of course, more of the incessant thanking of the people. Tamara put it best, “Ryan’s talking… stop thanking people!”
FBD: “101 ways to sweep your bangs” by David Cook
Wow. This was stellar. This had everything Brooke’s lacked. It was exciting, fresh, current. David’s voice is something I would expect to enjoy on the radio.
HOWEVER – he’s enjoying this celebrity thing a little too much. You can tell by his hair. It’s just getting sillier and sillier each week. (I can spot a red headed bottle job at 25 yards)
FBD: “How to Stay in a Talent Competition With No Talent” by Ramiele Malubay
“Precious” “Little” “Lovely” – All words that describe
Ramiele Dolly Parton
I have a new theory about Ramiele. She was born in Saudi Arabia, you know, so I know there is some Saudi Oil Baron-Emir somewhere who has threatened to destroy American Idol if she leaves the show. So the producers are forcing the judges to say good things about her, and plug their ears at the HORRID notes she is screeching out from week to week. Come on America! Rise up and get this chick off the show, PLEEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE!!
(Sadly, her song wasn’t even 1/2 as bad as last week’s, but the reviews were the same.)
FBD: “Grease Me Up; 17 steps to Caring for your Dreads” by Jason Castro
EWWWW… Dolly touched his Dreadlocks… EWWW… those must be so greasy and gross.
I’m going to say I like Jason this week. He really turned it on, much better than last week. He has a really nice, unique sound. The Peanut Gallery I was with thought he pushed it too hard, which might be like 46% true, but still… I think he was fighting to stay in it!
We do have to talk about his gender issues, though. It was hard to catch, but he did a man curtsie when Ryan came back onstage. He also wore a bedazzled smock shirt thing and bootcut-midrise jeans… I’m just saying… I know those Elves (legolas) are all ambigiously metro, but come on! The world only has room for one Danny Noriega!
FBD: “101 Reasons Why I Love My Ugly Tats” by Carly Smithson
It was just all right for me, nothing special. I couldn’t agree more with Simon than with the clothing comment. It kind of looks like she is dressing by some awful Wheel of Fortune.
FBD: “How to Make Old Ladies Cry Their Fake Eyelashes Off” by David Archuleta
“I’m just trying to keep these false eyelashes in place,” says Dolly.
After a a few shaky weeks, David goes and pulls all our hearts out of our chests. He absolutely KILLED another song! All I can say is, Archuleta All The Way!
[flashvideo filename=video/top9-archuleta.flv /]
Oh yeah, and nice “aura.” (as Paula perceived)
FBD: “Lemons into Lemonade: Getting By On Negative Comments” by Kristy Lee Cook
Another relatively awful week for Kristy, the one who should have been off of this show weeks ago (with Ramiele). This was supposed to be her week to shine, and yet she pulls off another forgettable, lackluster performance.
And despite what Paula says, I thought the dress was absolutely hideous.
Because some of you might have not understood some of the southern lingo in the song, I will translate:
“Coat of Many Colors My Momma Made for Me” = nasty hand-me-down prom dress with puffy sleeves that you had to wear cause you couldn’t get up to the big city to find another one.
“Britches” = Any article of clothing with holes in it.
“Momma”= The one who yells at you the most.
“Wheelhouse” = Not a freakin’ clue.
And last SIDENOTE: Ryan spotted a french manicure on Kristy Lee from a mile away… COULD THIS MAN BE ANY MORE METROSEXUAL!!! I know things about things, but I couldn’t tell you a french manicure from a vietnamese one…
I’m pretty sure he gets a corner of his Totin’ Chip torn off for that.
(this is the second week MAH WOOOMAN has sang a song dedicated to WhiteEyebrows… thank you!!!)
The song; not bad at all – quite good, but you will never sing it like Whitney. After 7 years of AI can we all please get that written on a big cue card to hold up. Don’t do it. Don’t try it.
Other than that, I will just add that tonight was perhaps the worst hair night Syesha has ever had on the show… As TLB said, “It’s gonna take a month to get a brush through that!”
FBD: “Recovering from a Bad Hair Day on National TV” by Syesha Mercado
FBD: “3 Keys to Over Promising and Under Delivering” by Michael Johns
OoooooooK. WhiteEyebrows here to have a little ‘come to Jesus’ with my readers. I have to confess, I have had it in for Michael Johns from the start. I never liked him. I thought he was a pretentious, one dimensional performer who had nothing real to offer to the music industry. I found him very copycat, very unoriginal, and mildly talented in this pool of great singers.
But tonight, he proved me wrong. His interpretation tonight was amazing. It boosted him from bottom tier to top tier this week. It only got better after I watched it again, too. Bad news for me. Please, please biff it next week so that I don’t have to eat my words. (And that’s what it will take – he’ll have to have solid weeks from here on out to even come close to competing with the Davids)
But just for tonight… I thought he deserved a video…
[flashvideo filename=video/top9-michaeljohns.flv /]
One small critique – don’t scowl so much while you sing. It will cause fine lines and wrinkles later in life.
Oh, and Jordan pointed out that he REALLY needed to lose the tie. He looked like Fred from Scooby-Doo… just saying…
So here is my top 9 rankings for this evening:
- David A
- David C
Thanks for reading!